If Not Now
by Adrienne2
Summary: Chapter 7 finally up! Luby fic.
1. Chapter 1

Title: If Not Now…

Author: Adrienne

Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"

Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.

"I'm pregnant." The words reverberated over and over again in Luka's head. He didn't think he had heard Abby correctly, he couldn't have. She couldn't be pregnant…could she? His mind immediately flashed to the night Danijela told him that she was pregnant with Jasna, and then again with Marko and then to that fateful night that Nicole had told him she was pregnant. He brushed these thoughts aside quickly and continued to stare at Abby, mouth agape, and eyes wide. "Pregnant?" he finally managed to stutter.

Abby simply nodded her head a few times, then averted her eyes from Luka's, biting her lip. She held her breath waiting for some sort of reaction other than a dazed stupor. She could hardly believe it herself. Pregnant. After three weeks of casually seeing Luka again. Or was it more than casually seeing each other? Abby couldn't be sure. They hadn't really defined their relationship yet, but after tonight's gift exchange she was fairly certain it was more than that. They had both joked about Abby's present to Luka, a cheap snow globe picked up across the street from the ER, but they knew the deeper meaning of it, and both felt pain and a sense of shared history in the gift. Three years before, Luka had given Abby a snow globe music box in the Secret Santa exchange, though neither had acknowledged out loud that he was the giver of the gift with the haunting melody. Abby had cherished the gift and for months afterward, listened to the song every night, and more often than that of late, when her feelings for Luka grew stronger.

Abby had never felt happier or safer in her life. This time around felt right. They had both spent the past four years finding themselves and now they had both healed that broken part of their spirits. They were both survivors, perhaps that was what continually drew them to each other, why, as Luka had said, they always seemed to find each other. Luka had survived war in his country and the loss of his family, while Abby had survived a domestic and psychological war with herself. They both had baggage and scars, but those experiences made them unique to each other and in the beginning allowed both to be emotionally detached, but it was that detachment that had ruined them, which they both feared and longed for.

Luka had found solace in Bishop Stewart and in Sam and Alex; Abby had found hers in Carter and her family, but in the end they both felt that these experiences were ultimately hollow because something was still missing: each other. There was something very basic that they understood about the other: the complete and utter fear that comes with loving again.

So they had found each other once more, having come to terms with themselves and ready to make a new life. It had been perfect from the night of their second first kiss, as Abby thought of it. That night was about much more than sex for both of them; it was a mutual comfort and a surrender to a long pent up desire. That night was about the reconciliation of their combined mistakes and pains.

As they both stood silently in the falling snow, lost in their own thoughts and unsure what the other was contemplating, Abby thought back to the night of Neela and Gallant's wedding; that must have been the night the baby was conceived. She smiled at the memory of that night. She couldn't have asked for a moment more pleasurable or special. Luka held her in his arms afterward and she remembered thinking that she wished they could stay like that forever.

Abby was supposed to have gotten her period three days later, and when it never came she hardly noticed because she was so caught up in this new relationship with Luka, and she had been late before. Then, two days ago as she was sorting through her planner at work she realized that she was more than two weeks late and panicked. Luka was working the night shift, and she went out to the nearest convenience store after work and bought a pregnancy test; it was positive and the next day she made and OB appointment. Her test results had come back positive that very day and she had spent the rest of the day trying to figure out the best way to tell Luka and wondering how he would react. Would he be happy? Would he be angry? Upset? She really didn't know.

The first time they had started dating, they talked about the possibility of children, just a few months before they broke up in one stormy argument. Abby knew that Luka wanted more children, but the question was, did he want them with her? And did he want one now? Saying that this child was unexpected was an understatement, and Abby didn't think she could abort another baby. As soon as she found out about the pregnancy, she had made her mind up to keep the baby, whether Luka wanted anything to do with it or not. She just hoped that he would.

Luka's mind was still drawing a blank but he knew he had to say something, and fast. It felt like an eternity since he had uttered the word "Pregnant" and the silence was beginning to be unbearable.

"How…" he started, and then realized that was a stupid question to ask. "…When did you find out?" he finally managed to ask her.

"This morning. I took a home pregnancy test two days ago and it was positive, and then went to OB yesterday. They called with my results this morning, just before I saw you," Abby told him.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked quietly and a little hurt.

"Because I didn't want to tell you until there was something to tell."

This softened his hurt, and his heart reached out for her. "I wish you had told me. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone…but none of that matters, anyway. I…I really don't know what to say. This is the last thing I expected you would say…"

Now Abby was at a loss for words. Was the whole night going to be filled with awkward conversation like this? "What did you think I was going to say?"

Luka smiled briefly at his own foolishness. "I thought you were going to end things with me."

Abby looked confused. "Why would I do that?"

"I don't know," he said honestly. "You just seemed kind of distracted all day, so I assumed that you weren't happy with me."

"Luka…we're going to have to be honest with each other. This can't be like last time…I need to know what you're thinking and I need to be able to tell you what I'm feeling and thinking," Abby told him, and he nodded his head in agreement. "…So what are you thinking?"

Luka noticed her shivering as she said this. "I'm thinking that we're both freezing and we should go somewhere warm…and private to talk about this," he said, eyeing several nurses watching them through the window. Abby looked back and noticed this too. Abby and Luka waved at Lydia and Chuny as they walked away and got into Luka's car.

The drive to Abby's apartment was quiet, but not awkward. They were both collecting their thoughts and sorting through what should be said. "A baby," Luka began thinking. A baby. His second chance at fatherhood and love. His second chance with Abby. He wanted to settle down and have children again more than anything, and he felt that he was ready. But was Abby? Maybe this was too soon. After all, it had only been three weeks, and in the year's time that they had been together before, they had failed to connect time and time again. He had wanted them to go slowly this time, figuring things out one step at a time, but then he realized that this was one of those steps, it just wasn't in the order that he had expected.

When they reached Abby's apartment, he took her hand as they walked up the stairs and into her apartment. Finally settled on her couch, Luka began. "Abby, do…do you want this baby?" he asked, feeling that this should be sorted through before anything else was said. He was afraid of the answer, knowing her past, but doing what she wanted was more important to him than his own feelings. He was done with hurting her, with not listening to her, with not understanding her. Luka looked at her intensely, waiting for her answer.

"Yes," she said without any hesitation. Luka was taken aback. He had never seen her so sure of anything before. Usually it took her forever just to decide what kind of muffin she wanted. "I want this child," she continued. "I've never been good about following through, but in the past year I've come to realize that this is what I want…I decided I wanted this baby the minute I knew that it was a possibility." Abby herself was surprised by her candor. She was finally following through with something.

"What about you?" she asked. "Do you want this baby?"

"I…I've always wanted more children, you know that. And this isn't exactly how I pictured things going. When you told me you were pregnant, I couldn't think, but driving over here…I don't know…I started thinking about what having a child right now would be like…and I want this baby. This feels right."

They both breathed a sigh of relief inside. The hard part was over. Luka took Abby's hand in his, bringing it to his mouth and kissing it. They leaned into a long embrace, sharing a kiss. "I never thought I would be this lucky," he whispered into her ear.

They settled back on the couch, still holding each other. "What are you thinking?" Luka asked her.

Abby sighed. "Did you ever think things would turn out like this?"

"Yes," Luka said. "I always knew we'd find each other again. I always had faith in you, even when you did not."

Abby looked up at him and kissed him again. "I've waited a long time for this," Luka continued. "And I knew that we both needed the space to figure things out. I never guessed it would take this long, but now I'm glad that it did. Because I want things to be right this time."

"So do I. More than anything now, not just for you and me, but for this baby."

"This baby," Luka said, laying his hand on Abby's stomach. "This baby is going to be so loved."

"Are you scared?" Abby asked him.

"Yes…and no," he told her. "I'm scared of bringing another child into this world because I'm afraid of what will happen to it, all the terrible things that could go wrong. But on the other hand I'm not because I know that you can't live life being scared of what _could_ happen. If I lived my life thinking like that, I would never have found my way back to you. And knowing that you're going to be a wonderful mother, I know that this baby will never be alone," he finished, and she smiled at him, snuggling closer to his body.

"Are you scared?" he asked her.

"…Yes," she replied in a quiet voice.

"Of what?"

"That I'm not going to be a good mother. That I'm giving this child bipolar disorder. That things aren't going to work out between us…again."

"Don't worry about that," he said, holding her tighter at the memory of their breakup. "I'm not going to let anything bad happen to us this time. And you're going to be a great mother, and if the baby does have bipolar disorder, it is something that we can treat from the beginning, before things get out of hand. Don't be afraid of that. Everything will work out; just look at Maggie, she has her life figured out now, doesn't she?"

"I guess," Abby said begrudgingly, but then smiled. "She's going to be so happy about this. She always wanted grandchildren."

"Do you want to call her right now and tell her?"

"No, I'm going to call her on Christmas Day, although I'm sure she will jump on the first bus to Chicago once I tell her."

"Hmm…maybe you should wait till after Christmas to tell her then," Luka laughed. "I want you all to myself."

Abby smiled at that and placed her hand on her stomach. "Are we going to tell people?" she asked him, the problem suddenly occurring to her.

"Well, I think that at some point they'll figure it out themselves," he laughed. "In fact, knowing the nurses, they probably figured out and told the whole hospital by now."

Abby laughed and said, "No, but seriously. You're the Chief of the ER and I'm a second year resident. We're not even supposed to be dating, much less having a baby together."

Luka sighed. "I guess I hadn't even thought of that. I don't know what Kerry will do. But it's not like she can fire either of us for it."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that."

"Hey, don't worry about it. Why don't we go and tell Kerry together, in private, and see what she says, and then we can go from there. And I can always resign as Chief. Besides, I'll probably want to so I can spend more time with you and the baby."

"No, I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to have to give that up."

"But I want to! I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for this whole Chief thing anyway."

"Don't say that," Abby told him. "You're a great teacher and a great leader, and you deserve this."

"Well…we'll just wait and see what happens."

"Okay," Abby agreed, stifling a yawn.

"Tired?" he asked.

"Exhausted. It's been a long day."

"Ready for bed?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Always," he replied with a smile, kissing her.

"Well, when you put if that way," she said, reciprocating and deepening the kiss. He loved the way she tasted, the way she felt. Abby moaned slightly underneath his touch, and Luka took this as his cue to lift her up and carry her to the bedroom. He laid her down softly on the bed and continued kissing her. He unbuttoned her shirt while he stared into her eyes and ran his hand down her chest and stomach. Abby pulled him on top of her, kissing him and helping him to remove his shirt. They quickly shed the rest of their clothing and made love slowly and tenderly, finally falling exhausted into each other's arms.

"What are you thinking?" Abby asked Luka, pulling him out of a reverie.

"Just imagining what the next nine months are going to be like."

"Oh yeah? What are you imagining happening?"

"Oh, I don't know. Shopping for baby things, telling everyone at work, calling my father to tell him about the baby."

"What do you think he'll say?"

"I think that it'll make him very happy. And proud," Luka said. He made his way down Abby's body and stopped at her stomach. "Hello, in there, little one," he whispered. "I'm your Daddy. And I can't wait to see you." Abby smiled at that and stroked his hair.

Luka looked up at her. "I'm also looking forward to watching you get nice and fat," he said with a mischievous grin. Abby gave him her best "I hate you" face and smacked his arm.

"That is the one part I am _not_ looking forward to."

"Come on, your belly gets bigger everyday, you can see that the baby is growing inside of you. Plus you get to eat whatever you want."

"Well, that part of it I do like," Abby laughed. "Get ready for those midnight cravings, you're the one who's going to be going out to get ice cream."

"What are you talking about, midnight cravings for ice cream? You want ice cream all the time anyway."

"True enough. Pickles then."

"Pickles?"

"Yeah! When Susan was pregnant with Cosmo, all she wanted to eat half the time was pickles and ice cream."

"Together?" he asked, making a face.

"It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen anyone eat," Abby said, laughing.

Luka just stared at her and smiled.

"What?" Abby asked, suddenly self-conscious.

"You're beautiful," he whispered. Abby smiled faintly. "Especially now," he continued. "And here I thought you were just glowing because of all the sex we've been having."

"Ha ha."

"Do you know when the baby was conceived?" she asked him, smiling.

"I think I can guess."

"Really? Cause I think that I know."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. The night of Neela and Gallant's wedding."

"Ah, yes. Well, that only sort of narrows it down," Luka told her, with that naughty smile of his that always made her smile back.

"First time that night, smartass," she said. "Or don't you remember."

"I remember," he told her, suddenly serious. He kissed her again. "What are you thinking about?" he asked her.

"Do you want a boy or a girl?"

"Doesn't matter. Either would be nice, a son or a daughter. Which do you want?"

"Doesn't matter to me either, as long as it's healthy."

"It will be."

"I know it probably will be. The doctor in me just keeps thinking of all the things that could be wrong with it."

"The day you became a doctor, I was so proud of you."

Abby smiled. "I could tell. You and Susan were whistling and yelling like crazy."

"I thought it was a very American thing to do," Luka said, smiling back.

"Very…Are you happy? About the baby I mean."

"Yes, I am," he told her, very seriously. "Why?"

"I was afraid you were going to be angry with me."

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know…just, bad timing."

"It's not bad timing, just…unexpected. And if not now, then when? I don't think that anytime is perfect. You just take it as it comes."

"I love you, you know," Abby told him, really meaning it. It felt good to finally say it to him. Luka smiled, his heart full.

"I love you, too."

Luka snuggled closer to her, placing his hand again on her belly and within minutes they were both falling asleep, and he thought to himself, "This is the way that things were meant to be."

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Title: If Not Now… Chapter 2

Author: Adrienne

Spoilers: "If Not Now," "Split Decision"

Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.

Luka awoke early on Christmas morning, and gazed at Abby sleeping peacefully next to him for what seemed like hours. He touched her naked stomach softly, not wanting to wake her and told himself for the millionth time since the night before that he was the luckiest man in the world for finding love twice in his life. Luka brought his hand up to Abby's face, moving a lock of hair off of her cheek. His heart swelled everytime he looked at her, she was so beautiful. He rested his hand again on her belly, trying to imagine what she would look like in a few months when she started showing. He couldn't wait, he felt like his life was beginning again.

Luka got out of bed and decided to make Abby breakfast. He smiled to himself, excited even for the morning sickness, swollen ankles, aching back and midnight runs to the nearest takeout place. He wanted to be there for her every minute of everyday, helping her through it all. He looked through Abby's refrigerator and it only took him a second to realize she didn't have any food in the house. Luka snuck back to the bedroom and quietly got dressed and headed for the nearest market.

At the grocery store he roamed the aisles, picking up things for breakfast and other random food items that he knew Abby liked. He also stocked up on ice cream, anticipating her first midnight cravings. As he went to the checkout he walked past some flower arrangements and decided to pick up some roses for her.

When he arrived back at Abby's apartment he quietly unpacked the groceries and went upstairs to see if Abby was still sleeping. She was right where he left her in bed, and Luka pulled the covers up slightly, covering her shoulders, to make sure that she was warm enough. He kissed her forehead and whispered, "Volim te," before making his way back downstairs to start breakfast.

Luka was humming to himself as he was cooking and putting the flowers in Abby's favorite vase on the kitchen table, contemplating when the best time was to call his father and tell him about the baby. He knew his father would be thrilled, even though he would be a little uncomfortable that he and Abby were not married before starting a family, and even less enthusiastic when he found out that they'd only been dating again for three weeks. During the year that he and Abby had been dating, Luka had gone home to Croatia to Christmas and had told his father all about Abby. His father, Laurentis, had been so happy that his son was dating again and asked all about Abby. Luka decided that he would fly his father to Chicago as soon as the baby was born so that he could meet his new grandson or granddaughter.

That's when Luka realized that he and Abby had never spent a Christmas together. He felt a pang in his chest at this thought, and knew that he needed to make this day as special as possible for her, to make up for all the years he hadn't been there for her at the holidays. He knew that the holidays were always hard on Abby, not only because she usually spent them by herself, without her family there, but also because her father had left just before Christmas when she was seven years old. From now on he promised himself that he would do everything in his power to make her happy.

Once Luka had set the table and finished making breakfast, he went to wake Abby. She was still sleeping and he laid on the bed next to her and kissed her gently. She moaned and opened her eyes slightly and it took her a moment to register what was going on. "Luka?" she said softly.

"Merry Christmas," he told her.

"Christmas…right…" she said sleepily. "What time is it?"

"Time to get up and come have breakfast with me."

"Mmm…too early."

"Come on, I made eggs, bacon, and pancakes."

"What about coffee?" she implored.

"You can't drink coffee, remember?"

"Shit," she muttered. "No coffee. No reason to get up this early then."

Luka laughed at her. "Are you going to get up or do I have to carry you to the kitchen?"

Abby sighed and opened her eyes again. "I'm up." Luka handed her a bathrobe and they made their way to the kitchen. She saw the roses on the table.

"Roses?" she asked.

"Merry Christmas."

"Thank you," she told him and reached up to kiss him.

They sat down at the table and Luka started eating right away but Abby just looked at the food. "What is it?" he asked.

"I'm just not hungry," she told him, yawning.

"Come on, you've got to eat something, keep your strength up."

"I know, I know. I just…Oh God," she said and got up and ran into the bathroom. Luka followed after her, and heard her puking into the toilet. He opened the door.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great," she said sarcastically. Luka smiled. "What are you smiling at?" she asked.

"You, getting sick."

Abby gave him a weird look. "Enjoying this, are you?"

"Yes. No--I mean… I don't like that you're not feeling well, but I love that you're having morning sickness."

"Okay, that's just bizarre," she told him before she threw up again.

A few minutes later her stomach was settled and they were back at the table. Abby drank some tea and just watched Luka eat. "How can you eat right away in the morning?"

"Well, I've been up for a while. Come on, eat something, you'll feel better."

"I don't know…"

"Eggs are supposed to be good for nausea, I promise you'll feel better if you eat something."

"Fine," Abby said, giving in, and she started picking at her food.

"So what do you want to do today?"

"I don't know. I should probably call Maggie at some point, I promised her I would."

"Yeah, I should call my dad, I haven't spoken with him in a while. I should also stop by my place to pick up some clothes or something." Abby raised her eyebrows.

"What?" Luka asked.

"Nothing."

"Would you rather stay at my place?"

"No, no…I just… I don't know. I was thinking, what are we going to do when the baby's born? I mean, are we going to go back and forth between our apartments, or keep it at just one of our apartments?"

"Oh," Luka said, thinking. "I hadn't really thought of that. I guess it would make sense to keep the baby at just one apartment. Unless…"

"Unless what?" Abby asked, hoping he would suggest it first.

"Unless we moved in together," he finally said.

"Yeah, that would make sense," Abby agreed.

"Good…so whose apartment should we move into?"

"Well…yours, I guess. You have more space, an extra bedroom, then the baby could have its own room."

"Yeah…is that what you want to do?"

"Yeah, I mean…"

"What?"

"Well, your apartment is just kind of…"

"Kind of what?"

"Messy," she said, laughing. "And not very homey."

"Well, we could change that, redecorate. Make it _our_ place, instead of mine. I mean, my style is kind of…"

"Messy?"

"I was going to say barren, but yes, messy," Luka said, laughing.

"Okay, well, when should we do this? When the baby's born, or sooner?"

"Well, if we do it, say, in the next month, then we could start getting the baby's room ready right away, instead of waiting until the last minute….If that's what you want, I mean."

Abby smiled. "Yeah, that would be good."

Later in the day Luka and Abby sat on the couch watching a parade on TV when the phone rang. Luka got up answer it.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello?" the voice at the other end said. "Luka, is that you? It's Maggie."

"Oh, hi Maggie. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too. I didn't realize that you were going to be at Abby's for Christmas. Is she there?"

"Yeah, hang on a second," Luka said. He covered the receiver with your hand. "It's your Mom," he told Abby and handed her the phone.

"Mom? Hi, Merry Christmas."

"Hi honey, I hope I'm not interrupting anything, I just wanted to call and say 'hi.' How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just fine, Maggie. How are you?"

"I'm doing great. I'm having Christmas dinner over at Gina's with her family tonight, I'm just cooking up a few dishes to take over there. I didn't know that you and Luka were going to be spending Christmas together. What, do you have a bunch of people from the ER there?"

"No, it's just us," Abby said, tensing up, as she did whenever she talked with Maggie about something personal.

"Oh," was all Maggie said, obviously expecting some sort of explanation.

"Yeah, about that. We need to talk."

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Well, Luka and I are back together…"

"Ohhh! That's so wonderful! I always thought you two were great together, he's so handsome and--" Abby held the phone away from her ear as Maggie went on very loudly about how terrific she thought Luka was.

"Maggie! Maggie!" Abby said, trying to get her mother to be quiet so she could tell her the big news.

"Yes, sweetie? Oh, I'm sorry for going on like that, I'm just so happy for you!"

"Thanks, Mom."

"So is that what you wanted to talk about?"

"No, actually…well, that was just a part of it."

"Oh? What else could be more wonderful?"

"Well, I think you'll be just as happy about this, Maggie." Abby took a deep breath before she spoke the next sentence. "We're going to have a baby. I'm pregnant."

Abby held the phone away from her ear once more as Maggie started screaming out of excitement. Luka looked at the scene and laughed, Abby just rolled her eyes at him.

"Oh, Abby! You have just made me the happiest woman in the world! I'm going to be a grandmother! Oh, I can't wait to tell all of my friends, they are going to be so jealous!"

"That's great, Maggie."

"So when's your due date? When am I going to get to meet my little grandbaby?"

"I'm not sure yet, I just got the test results back yesterday, but sometime in late July or early August."

"A summer baby! I have to start making clothes now! Do you think it's going to be a boy or a girl?"

"Ah, I don't know yet, Mom."

"Oh, it doesn't matter, anyway. I'll just make neutral colored clothes to be safe. Abby, I'm so happy for you. You deserve this, to have a family and to be happy. I couldn't ask for anything more for you. Congratulations."

"Thank you, Mom. Really," Abby said, happy that her mother was so happy for her.

"I've got to go now, honey, I think my casserole is starting to burn, but I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay."

"And don't do too much. You make sure Luka is taking good care of you or else I'm going to come down to Chicago and take care of you myself."

"I will Mom."

"Bye, honey. I love you, and congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Oh, this is just the best Christmas present ever!" Maggie exclaimed before hanging up the phone.

Abby put the phone down and chuckled to herself. "I take it she was happy," Luka said.

"That would be an understatement to say the least. She said you'd better take good care of me or she's coming down here to do it herself."

Luka had a panicked look on his face. "Well, then I'd better treat you like a queen."

Abby laughed. "You'd better."

Luka and Abby spent the rest of the day cuddled up on the couch, talking and laughing, watching holiday programs and deciding what to do for dinner. Luka cooked for them while Abby napped and after dinner they cleaned up the kitchen together. Abby settled back down on the couch and began reading a book.

"I think I'm going to call my father," he told her.

"Won't it be like six in the morning in Croatia?"

"Yeah, but he always gets up early to paint," Luka said as he dialed the number. "Papa?" he said when his father picked up the phone. "It's Luka," he said in Croatian.

"Luka, I was wondering when I was going to hear from you."

"Yeah, sorry I didn't call yesterday, I figured you'd be with the neighbors all day. Merry Christmas."

"Oh, no, it's okay. Merry Christmas, son."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, just painting the sunset, it looks beautiful. How are you?"

"I'm good."

"How was your Christmas, what did you do?"

"It was great, I spent the day with Abby."

"Abby? You mean the Abby you dated a few years ago?"

"Yes, we're back together now."

"Really? How long now?"

"Just a little while. I have something to tell you, Papa."

"Oh? What is it?"

"Abby and I are going to have a baby," he said, looking over at Abby and smiling.

"A baby?"

"Yes, we just found out yesterday."

"A baby? Luka, I'm so happy for you. So are you two getting married?" he asked. Luka sighed, knowing that was coming.

"No…No, we're not." Not yet at least, Luka thought to himself.

"Oh," was all that his father said.

"Papa?"

"Well, Luka, you know how I feel about these things."

"I know. But are you happy?"

"Yes, I am happy for you, Luka. And for Abby. I'm glad that you're happy again, that you've moved on."

"Thank you."

"Can I talk to her?"

"Abby?"

"Yes."

"Sure, just a minute," Luka said. "Abby?"

"Yeah?" Abby said, looking up from her book.

"He wants to talk to you."

"Really?" she asked, taking the phone from him. "Hello?"

"Hello Abby, this is Luka's father, Laurentis," he said in slightly broken English.

"Hi, Merry Christmas."

"Thank you, same to you."

"Thanks."

"I just wanted to talk to you and to say "Congratulations." Luka told me the good news."

"Thank you. We're very excited."

"Well, that's all. Hopefully I will be meeting you and the baby very soon."

"I hope so too. Bye," Abby said and handed the phone back to Luka, who began talking with his father in Croatian again.

"I was thinking that maybe you could come to Chicago when the baby is born and stay for a while," Luka said.

"I would like that very much."

"Good, I'm glad."

"I'll talk to you soon. I love you."

"I love you, too. Bye," Luka said and hung the phone up.

"What did he say?" Abby asked.

"Oh, you know. Congratulations."

"That's it?"

"He asked when we're getting married," Luka told her.

"Ah… And what did you say?" Abby asked, a little uncomfortable about the subject.

"I told him that we're not getting married… Yet."

"Luka…"

"What? Look, Abby, all I'm saying is that it is a possibility… Don't you think so?"

Abby paused. "Yes, it is. Just not now, I'm not ready for that, Luka. Everything that's been happening has been hard to handle as it is."

"I know. For me too."

"Let's just wait and see then, okay?" she told him.

"Okay."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."


	3. Chapter 3

Title: If Not Now… Chapter 3

Author: Adrienne

Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"

Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.

Disclaimer: If you don't like it, don't read it. I write these stories for my own pleasure and the pleasure of my fellow Lubies out there, so don't give me crap about it.

Luka and Abby spent the next month in a state of bliss, first moving all of Abby's belongings into his apartment and then redecorating to suit their mutual tastes. They still hadn't told any of their coworkers about the pregnancy, and made sure to keep the relationship out of the ER to avoid any suspicion. Neela was the only one who really knew they were back together and about the baby and Abby knew she could be trusted not to spread information around to the rest of the staff. They still had also not approached Kerry with the subject, which they knew would have to be dealt with in the coming weeks, as it would become increasingly obvious by Abby's growing belly that she was pregnant.

Abby's first OB appointment was in the middle of January, and Luka was more excited about it than she was. He woke up early on the morning of the appointment and made Abby breakfast as he did nearly early morning now since Christmas. He had also arranged for himself and Abby to work most of the same shifts, now that he was the ER Chief and had the power to do so. He watched her every move at work and at home, and Abby would pretend to get annoyed, but in reality she enjoyed his constant attention and support.

"Come on Abby, wake up, we only have an hour and a half before the OB appointment. You don't want to be late," Luka said, trying to coerce her into getting out of bed. That had become another morning ritual; Abby had never been a morning person but had been more and more reluctant to get out of bed every day because the pregnancy and first trimester morning sickness were wearing on her.

"Just five more minutes, I promise," Abby mumbled to him and pulled the covers over him.

"That's what you say every morning, and it's always more than five minutes."

"I know, but this time I really, really mean it."

"If you get up now there's coffee in it…" Luka said with a smile, trying to entice her further.

"No, there's not. I'm not falling for that trick again," Abby told him from under the covers. "Besides, would you be excited about lying on a table half naked with your legs up in the air for a complete stranger to stare at you and prod you?"

"No, but I'm looking forward to watching you having to do that," Luka said, pulling the covers back and lifting Abby out of bed. "No more excuses, we're really going to be late if you don't get up, and we need to be on time for the appointment so we can get out of there on time because I set up a meeting to talk to Kerry about all of this."

"What?" Abby asked, suddenly awake. "That's _today_?" Luka set her down in front of the bathroom and walked in turning on the shower for her.

"Yeah, I had to make it for today because she's going on vacation for two weeks with Henry tomorrow and I'm sure by the time she gets back one of the nurses will have figured out you're pregnant and told the rest of the ER."

"Oh, Luka, I don't think I can face Kerry Weaver today."

"Yes, you can. Besides she might surprise you and be very supportive."

"Maybe…But this is the woman who turned Romano's memorial into a gay, lesbian and transgender center."

Luka laughed. "Well, he kind of had that one coming." Abby just laughed and reached up to kiss him. He put his arms around her and deepened the kiss.

"You sure I couldn't convince you to get back in bed with me?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Good try," Luka said. "Any other morning and we'd already be in bed, but truthfully I cannot wait to get to the doctor's to see the baby on the ultrasound for the first time."

Abby kissed him again. "What was that for?" he asked with a smile.

"I love that you already love this baby," she told him.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Does that mean that you'll get ready now?" Luka asked her, still smiling. Abby just playfully smacked his arm and walked over to the shower.

"I am so sending you out in the middle of the night for the most obscure food possible now, just for this."

"Anything for you."

Luka and Abby sat in the waiting room of the Dr. McLucas's office, gazing around at all the expectant mothers, some alone, some with their husbands or boyfriends. Abby squeezed Luka's hand, grateful once again that she was not going through this all alone. Abby was tapping her foot on the ground at a fast pace, not only anxious to get into the office, but worried that someone from the ER would wander by and see them there. Not that she didn't want to tell her friends, it was just that she wanted to make sure everything was going to be okay with the baby before they told more people than Maggie and Luka's father. She knew that a miscarriage was a very real possibility in the first four months, especially since she was over thirty-five.

The doctor in her kept reciting all of the things that could go wrong with this child, and the mother in her kept worrying that all of these things worries could come true. Abby knew that thinking about all of these things wouldn't do her or the baby any good, but she couldn't help it. With all of the things that she had seen and experienced in her life she couldn't help it.

"Nervous?" Luka asked her, trying to calm her nerves. Abby simply nodded in response.

"Are you nervous?" Abby asked, a little anxious that she was the only one who was nervous.

"A little," he admitted. "Mostly excited."

"Abby Lockhart," a nurse called out.

"Here," Abby said, getting up and collecting her purse and coat and following the nurse into an exam room.

"I'm Nurse Martin, Abby, I'll be helping Dr. McLucas today."

"Hi," Abby said, nervously clasping her hands together.

"And you're the husband?" Nurse Martin asked Luka.

"No," Abby and Luka said together.

"I'm the uh…I'm her boyfriend," Luka told the nurse. She smiled welcomingly at him and continued speaking with Abby.

"Okay, Abby. I'm going to start by taking your heart rate and blood pressure. Then I'll have you get into a gown and Dr. McLucas will come in to do the physical exam. Are you taking prenatal vitamins right now?"

"Yes, I have been since I found out I was pregnant," Abby said as the nurse took her heart rate and blood pressure.

"Okay, good, then I don't have to explain the importance of those to you," Nurse Martin said as she finished up. "Okay, everything looks good. Just a few routine questions now. When was the last day of your last menstrual cycle?"

"November 15," Abby replied.

"Okay," the nurse said, writing in the chart. "Any unusual symptoms you've been having?"

"No, just the usual. Fatigue, a little morning sickness. Not much weight gain yet."

"Well, you won't have to wait too long for that," Nurse Martin said with a smile. "Why don't you just get into this gown," handing Abby a flimsy hospital gown, "and hop up onto the table. The doctor should be in to see you in just a few minutes." Nurse Martin left the room and Luka and Abby looked at each other. Abby looked down at the gown and sighed, getting undressed as Luka watched her with a bemused expression on his face.

"You're enjoying this far too much, you know," Abby told him.

"Sorry," he replied, still grinning.

Abby hopped up on the exam table and put a blanket on her lap. "You know, I never realized it before, but it's really sadistic that we make people wear these in the ER. You can practically see through them."

"Well, I think you look pretty sexy in it," Luka said, laughing at the way she kept squirming on the table.

"Shut up," Abby laughed. "I'd like to see you in one of these things."

"You'd have to die me down first."

"That could be arranged," Abby said mischievously. Luka raised his eyebrows and was about to reply when the doctor walked in.

"Abby, I didn't expect to see you in my office," Dr. McLucas said.

"It was a surprise for me too," Abby told her.

"And this is…?" McLucas asked, looking at Luka.

"Luka Kovac," he said, getting up from his chair to shake her hand.

"Oh right," the doctor replied, recognition on her face. "The new ER chief, right?"

"That's right."

"You're in your second year of residency down in the ER now, right Abby?"

"That's right."

"We were all very sorry up here when you chose the ER, you would've made a great OB doctor or neonatologist," McLucas told her. "But I'm sure you're doing just wonderfully where you are."

"Thanks," Abby said.

"Well, you were up here long enough to know, but I'm going to warn you anyway. You need to take it easy, especially down in the ER. I know it can get very stressful at times and can even be dangerous. So, Abby I'm counting on you to know your own limits, and I'm sure Dr. Kovac will make sure you don't get into any trouble down there."

Luka nodded in agreement and gave Abby a smile. "So let's get down to business," McLucas told them. "First I'm going to do the pelvic and then I'll do the ultrasound, okay?" Abby nodded. "Just lie back then, and put your feet up in the stirrups."

Luka took a seat next to the table and held her hand during the examination. "Doing okay, Abby?" McLucas asked when she saw the uncomfortable look on her patient's face.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Abby told her.

"Just a little longer and we'll be finished, don't worry."

"Okay," Abby said and squeezed Luka's hand.

"Everything seems to be just fine," McLucas assured them both when she had finished examining Abby. "Ready for the ultrasound?" Luka and Abby both nodded, excited and nervous.

McLucas squirted some jelly onto Abby's stomach and turned the ultrasound machine on. A familiar whooshing sound started and suddenly their baby was on the screen. For Abby, suddenly everything about this baby felt real. She had known it was there, but now she was seeing her child for the first time and felt her heart swell with love for this baby.

"Our baby," Luka murmured, studying the tiny figure closely.

"Looks like you're at about six weeks, but we'll calculate the date more precisely once we're done with this. Everything looks good." McLucas hit a button on the ultrasound machine and a picture began printing. She took the picture and handed it to Abby. "And here is your baby's first picture. Congratulations." McLucas turned off the ultrasound and wiped the jelly from Abby's belly.

"Thank you," Abby and Luka both said.

"Abby, why don't you get dressed and I'll be back in a couple minutes." McLucas left the room and Abby got dressed silently. Luka held the picture in his hands, never taking his eyes off of it.

"Our baby," he repeated to himself quietly. He looked up at Abby, a wide grin breaking out on his face. He took her hand again. "I love you."

"I love you too," Abby replied, leaning down to kiss him.

McLucas reentered the room. "Okay, Abby, we've calculated your due date based on the final day your last menstrual cycle and it looks like August 6th is the day."

"August 6th, okay," Abby said, smiling.

"So, just keep taking your prenatal vitamins, call me with any problems, and I'll see you for your next appointment in a month. Congratulations again," McLucas said and left the room a final time.

"August 6th seems so far away," Abby said.

Luka nodded in agreement. "We have a lot to do in the meantime. It will go by in a flash, and before we know it our baby will be here," he said, taking Abby in his arms.

Luka and Abby found themselves waiting outside an office again about a half hour later, this time waiting to speak to Kerry. Luka had finally let Abby put the ultrasound picture safely away in her purse, but couldn't wait to look at it again once they got home.

"What did you tell her you wanted to talk to her about anyway?" Abby asked him.

"An administrative matter. She seemed kind of surprised, I haven't really been very attentive to that stuff since I became Chief."

"I just hope she's in a good mood."

"I'm sure she will be. She's going away for two weeks tomorrow, just her and Henry."

"Dr. Weaver will see you now," Kerry's secretary told them. They got up from their seats and proceeded into Kerry's office, where she was sitting behind her desk, with paperwork and charts stacked up on both sides of her.

"Hi Luka," Kerry told him. "Abby, I didn't realize you would be joining us for this meeting."

"Well, it concerns her," Luka said.

"Is there a problem?"

"No, no," Luka assured her. "There was just something that we wanted to speak with you about."

"Okay," Kerry said, intrigued as to what the subject could be.

"Well…" Luka began, unsure of how exactly to put things. He hesitated again.

"Dr. Kovac, I really don't have all day for this. I have a lot of things to finish up before I go on vacation tomorrow, so if you don't mind, get to the point," Kerry said in her typical authoritative voice.

"I'm pregnant," Abby told her, just getting it over with.

"Pregnant?" Kerry looked surprised. "Well, congratulations, Abby," she smiled. "I'm still not entirely sure why Dr. Kovac needs to be here for this conversation then."

Luka looked at Abby. "It's his," Abby said.

"Oh," was all Kerry said, looking even more stunned. "I'm sure you both know the hospital's policy on attendings and residents dating." Luka and Abby both nodded. "And, Luka, with you being the Chief of the ER now, that makes this even more difficult." Kerry paused, collecting her thoughts before she continued again. "But I can't fire either of you for this, obviously, and this is a unique situation since the two of you had a preexisting relationship while Abby was neither a med student nor a resident, but it is still inappropriate giving your current positions. Oh God," she said, rubbing her eyes. "I really didn't need this the day before I left for vacation."

"Sorry," Luka told her, finally speaking up.

"No, no. I'm glad you came to me with this now so we can work the details out. Does everyone in the ER know?"

"No," Abby said. "Just Neela."

"I could resign as Chief if this would makes things easier," Luka said.

Kerry looked panicked. "God, no! It took us long enough to find a competent Chief after Susan Lewis left." She sighed. "Okay, this is what we are going to do. Abby, you can still present your patients to Luka or any other attending, but Luka, you are no longer going to be involved in the process of evaluating Abby's job performance, is that understood?"

Luka nodded. "I also expect you to keep your personal life out of the workplace. Is that understood?" They both nodded in agreement this time. "Okay, good. Then this shouldn't be a problem."

"It won't be," Luka assured her.

"I hope so," Kerry said. "Now, if you'll both excuse me, I have a lot of things to finish before I take Henry to Disney World tomorrow."

Abby and Luka got up. "Have a good time, Dr. Weaver," Abby said.

"Thanks, I will. And congratulations," she said with a smile as the couple left the office.

Luka and Abby walked out of the hospital, relieved that the meeting was over. "Well, that could have been much, much worse," Abby said.

"See? I told you she wouldn't be unreasonable about it."

"I'm just glad you're right and she didn't fire both of us on the spot."

Luka just laughed as they walked through the ER. Neela spotted them and walked over. "Hi guys, what are you doing here? I thought you both had the day off."

"We do, we just had a meeting upstairs with Weaver," Abby said.

"Ohhh… How did that go?"

"Better than expected," Abby told Neela.

"That's good. And how was your um…your other appointment?" Neela asked, looking around at their coworkers.

Both Luka and Abby smiled. "It was good," Abby said, looking at Luka. "The doctor said everything looked just fine."

"Oh, that's great!"

"Neela, we need you, two MVAs rolling up," Ray called to her.

"I've got to go, I'll see you both tomorrow," Neela told them as she ran out into the ambulance bay.

"When do you think we should tell everyone?" Luka asked her.

"I don't know… How about we wait until the second trimester? Just in case something goes wrong, I don't want everyone knowing."

"Nothing's going to wrong, Abby," Luka assured her.  
"I know… But let's just wait, okay?"

"Sure," Luka agreed as they walked to his car and headed home.

Abby was falling asleep on the couch with her head in Luka's lap. He was holding the ultrasound picture once again, looking at it for the millionth time since they had gotten home from the hospital.

"Luka, you are going to wear that picture out," Abby told him sleepily.

He smiled and stroked her hair. "Are you hungry?"

"Starving."

"What do you want to eat."

"Anything, as long as it's not from that Thai place."

Luka laughed. "Are you never going to let that go? That was almost five years ago!"

"I would, but I'm pretty sure they served us cat instead of chicken," Abby said without opening her eyes.

"It wasn't that bad," Luka told her.

"Sure, you weren't the one puking all night."

"Yeah, but I held your hair back as you threw up into the toilet, didn't I?"

"Haha," Abby said, looking up at him. She took the photo from him and studied it herself. She outlined the baby's small form on the picture again and again and marveled to herself once again that that was _her_ baby she was looking at. "Luka?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you happy?" she asked him.

"Yes," he replied, seriously. "I'm happier than I have been in a long time. Maybe since just before the war. You've given me a second chance at life, and I wouldn't change a thing because maybe then we wouldn't be where we are now."

Abby smiled at this and he leaned down to kiss her. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Abby replied, basking in the comfort and safety of their home and this moment.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: If Not Now… Chapter 4

Author: Adrienne

Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"

Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.

Disclaimer: If you don't like it, don't read it. I write these stories for my own pleasure and the pleasure of my fellow Lubies out there, so don't give me crap about it. Also keep in mind that it is a _fictional_ story so don't expect everything in this story to be exactly what happened/is going to happen on the show.

Note: This chapter is told from Luka's point of view.

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. My head is too full of thoughts and fantasies of my new life and what is to come in the next few months. Abby is lying beside me, peacefully sleeping. My breath is taken away every time I look at her and I'm reminded again how lucky I am to be alive and here in this bed with this woman, especially after all the mistakes I've made in the past few years.

I can truly identify the best times of my life in America as the time I've spent with Abby. I came so close to losing her so many times that it still frightens me. First to Brian, when he beat her up, then to her relationship with Carter, and even through alienating her to me. Finding my way back to her was a long, hard journey, but I don't think I would change a thing. Who knows how things would have turned out then?

When I first came to America, everything seemed so new and different, but the family I had lost was still on my mind every minute of every day. The patients I saw, the people I met all somehow reminded me of my wife and children. Looking back on things, I realize that part of my attraction to Carol Hathaway was the fact that she looked like Danijela and had two small children without a father. I so wanted to be that father. It is only now, with all these years between my relationship with Carol, that I know it was a mistake. Besides, she had been in love with someone else, and I had my heart broken all over again.

Abby was so unlike any woman I had ever known, yet so broken inside that I made the mistake of trying to save her. But she didn't need a savior; she needed a friend and a partner, and I failed at both of those things the first time around. We didn't know how to communicate or be there for each other, yet the relationship lasted for nearly a year because we both cared for each other. I loved her then, I was just too scared and foolish to admit it.

The night that my relationship with Abby ended, I went home and sunk into a daze that lasted for several weeks. I no longer knew what to say to her. I wanted to hold her, but knew I had lost that right when I said all of those terrible things to her. But the thing that hurt the most was that everything she said, she was right about. I was married to a ghost. And that's when I knew that I had to let Danijela go. She would have wanted that. But saying something and actually doing it are very different things.

I immediately fell into Nicole's arms. She needed my help and I couldn't turn her away. It was just another mistake in a long line of mistakes. I didn't love her and I hurt Abby in the process. When Nicole told me that she was pregnant, I felt a brief resurgence of hope; like maybe things could work, maybe I could grow to love her because I would love this child. But then she told me the truth and I was left alone once again.

After Nicole, I knew that I had to get away and heal myself. So I went home to Croatia. Seeing everything there was difficult, but I had to do it in order to get over my past. When I got back to Chicago, I thought I had healed my open wounds. But I was wrong because there was one thing that I still hadn't dealt with: Abby.

When it became clear that she and Carter were together, I went into a downward spiral, drinking, driving too fast, even going to a prostitute. She had moved on and I thought it was too late for me. Christmas of that year, I went to a Christmas party at Susan Lewis's house. I had picked Abby's name out of a hat for the Secret Santa exchange. I had never really given her anything before, but when I found a snowglobe music box I knew it was just right for her. The melancholy tune it played reminded me of her, in her sadness. I approached her at the party, but she rejected me. The next day I killed a patient. I nearly killed a med student, Erin Harkins, that same night. I had hurt so many people, and could hardly recognize myself anymore, so when the chance to go to the Congo arose, I jumped at it. When I said goodbye to Abby, I thought it might be for good, and that it might be the best thing for her.

In the Congo, an unexpected thing happened to me: I became friends with Carter. I found a respect for him I never knew I had and he reciprocated this friendship, especially when he came back to Africa to find me, when everyone thought I was dead. While I was sick with malaria, two people were constantly on my mind: Danijela and Abby. I thought of Danijela, how if I were to die I would be reunited with her, and when I thought of Abby I felt the courage to live. The thought of seeing her again gave me the hope I needed to survive. When Carter finally found me, he sent me back with a letter for Abby, and when I finally gave it to her, I felt like I was breaking her heart all over again.

Abby and I slowly learned to trust each other and became friends again. I felt good about the relationship, but still wanted more. But she was back in med school and off-limits to me. Besides, I knew she was still finding her way. And that's when I met Samantha Taggart.

Sam was another single mother with another fatherless child. She reminded me of Abby and I think that's what attracted me to her. In the time we spent together I began to think that maybe things could work between us. I cared for her and I cared for her son, Alex. But it was made very clear to me that I was not his father and eventually she pushed me away. It hurt because I still wanted to help her and be there for Alex, but I got over it a lot faster than I expected to, mostly because Abby was there for me through it all.

That night that she came over after the little girl died, I wanted to soothe her pain so much. So I did the only thing I could think of: I kissed her. And to my surprise she kissed me back and we made love like we were starting all over again. I thought we were going to, especially the next morning. It all seemed so easy, not like before. But later that night we agreed to be just friends; it wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't want to force her into a relationship she didn't want. The night of Neela and Gallant's wedding, everything was perfect. There was a mutual want and passion, and I knew that everything would be okay. I thought we should take our steps slowly, but that thought ended the moment she told me she was pregnant.

What was I thinking when she told me she was having my baby? A million different emotions swelled inside me all at once. I was going to be a father again, and I had Abby in my arms. Nothing could hurt either of us anymore, I wouldn't let it.

Laying beside Abby in the dark I softly put my hand on her stomach. She's just barely beginning to show, you can't really notice it yet. Maybe I'm just imagining it because I want this child to be here so much. I finally feel like things are falling into place for me, like everything is going to be all right. I know things are going to work with Abby this time because we both want it to and aren't frightened of commitment anymore. I already love this child because I know it will have so much of both of us in it. I imagine what it would be like to have a little girl again; pink walls, frilly dresses, dolls, watching her grow up into a beautiful woman. Then I think it would be great to have a boy, a son, who I could play catch with in the park and help with his homework. No matter what this child is like, I will love it. I know Abby is scared that the baby will have bipolar disorder, but it's a small chance and I'm willing to take it.

In a few weeks, we have our next OB appointment and we should be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time. It's the greatest sound in the world, and I can't wait. I can't wait for a lifetime more of first times, and I know it will all be perfect because I have Abby by my side.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: If Not Now… Chapter 5

Author: Adrienne

Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"

Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.

Disclaimer: If you don't like it, don't read it.

Note: This chapter is told from Abby's point of view. Sorry this chapter is so short, I promise the next one will be longer!

Happiness is a difficult thing. When we're happy, we don't really think about it, don't even realize it most of the time. But when we're unhappy, it's all we can think about. Being happy is an art form; only the experienced, the masters of the subject can really experience it for any length of time. I should know. I've spent my entire life being unhappy with myself, with my job, my family, boyfriends, ex-husband. The list goes on and on. But now I spend everyday looking at Luka and marveling to myself that I am happy. Right now, here, in this moment, I am happy. And no amount of ex-husbands, bipolar mothers or brothers could ruin this.

I place my hand on my stomach and can't help but smile. In the bathroom mirror I watch my reflection turn to its side and a small bulge is beginning to form. Just barely there, I don't think anyone would really notice it except for me. And in six months that little, imperceptible bulge will be my baby. Luka's baby, the one he's waited for so long to finally be here.

I never thought that I'd be a mother. I made sure I wouldn't be, having convinced myself that I'd be a terrible mother. But now I sit and think that maybe the reason I never wanted to bring a child into this world before was because I wasn't with someone that I loved, someone that I knew would always be there for me and our child. Richard certainly never would have been, and Carter…well, Carter was never happy enough with me to completely love me. He was always trying to fix me in some way, disapproving of the way I handled my life. And I needed someone who would love me, all my flaws included.

Luka and I weren't always at the place that we're at right now. The first time I met him, I thought he was devastatingly cute, but I never really got to know him until I was kicked out of med school. He was quiet, but funny. Charming, disarming, supportive. Before I knew it, I leaned over and kissed him one night in the ambulance bay, and from then on it grew into a very imperfect relationship.

Maybe things would have been different if we hadn't been attacked by that mugger on the night of our first date, but I've spent too much time wondering about the "what ifs" in my life. Our relationship wasn't perfect, far from it. We didn't know how to talk to each other. I didn't know how to be there for Luka, and he didn't know what I needed or wanted. Maybe I didn't know then either. It was just so easy to go to Carter with my problems because I thought that in some way our addictions bonded us into a mutual understanding. Luka was there, in his own way, and I don't blame him for anything he did. He had his own share of problems without worrying about mine, and I never really let him in the way that I should have.

We were too afraid to say, "I love you," or any of the other things we were really thinking. We loved each other, but we weren't ready to deal with what that really meant. So one anger-filled night we screamed all the things we wanted to at each other and it was over. And I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run back to him and say I was sorry, but I just kept walking away and before I knew it I was at home in my own bed, completely alone.

When Luka became involved with Nicole so quickly after we ended, I was so hurt and angry and the fact that I had to see him every day at work made it so much worse. I felt betrayed, much more betrayed than I felt during the actual breakup. I was paralyzed by this unending feeling of nothingness and watching them together everyday, the way he was so attentive to her made me feel completely worthless.

After that I was too hurt to really talk to him that much, and then he left for the Congo. We received word that he was dead and I thought to myself, "This is it. It's too late now. This is how it's all going to end for us." I never thought that I'd see him again and when he walked back into my life it was different. He was different, and so was I. He seemed…I don't know, at peace with things, his life, his past, even us. So I settled for being friends with him, and you know what? Being friends was great. I got to know a side of him that I hadn't known before and for the first time we were truly friends and had a mutual respect for each other.

Then he was with Sam and I was back in med school, so I didn't really have all that much time to think about us. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I still hoped that there was a chance for us, even though I was afraid that if we did get back together, we would be right back where we were, not talking to each other, not understanding each other, and just in general not being happy. So I waited and got on with my life, or at least thought that I had until that night when he reached out and kissed me. At that moment, I felt like everything was perfect and falling into place for us. A part of me was afraid that it never would, so when it finally happened, I was afraid again, afraid of screwing it up, like I always did, so we backed off for a while. But then I came to realize that it was a mistake, and so did he and the night of Neela and Gallant's wedding we made up for all of it. Everything in the past, from the night of our first date to that very moment. And everything was finally forgiven. I knew he was the one that I wanted to be with, and this time I was going to follow through and not get scared and run away.

The moment I realized I could be pregnant, I felt a rush of panic wash through me. But my period had been late before, so I took a deep breath and bought a home pregnancy test. It was positive, so I bought three more, and they all gave me the same answer. I knew that I could never go through with another abortion, and after a few minutes I knew that I wanted to keep this baby, no matter what it would do to my relationship with Luka, or the risk of passing on bipolar disorder onto the child. I spent all of Christmas Eve trying to figure out how to tell him, afraid that it was too fast, that it would change the things that had felt so perfect for the past few weeks.

But now things have all worked out and I know that I won't have to raise this child by myself. It's all I can think about, and I can't help but smile when I realize that I'm going to be a mother. I put my hand to my stomach and even though I'm a doctor and know that it's not really physically possible yet, I know that I can feel my baby there. Luka is so in love with this child already and I know that he loves me now too. No matter what's in store for us in the future, I know that that's all I need.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: If Not Now… Chapter 6

Author: Adrienne

Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"

Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.

Note: Sorry for my probably shoddy technical information, I really have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to medicine.

"Luka?" Abby asked him quietly one night while they were lying together in bed. He had his head on her chest and was gently stroking her stomach, barely awake, just listening to the sound of her heart beating.

"Yeah?"

"Do…do you miss them?" she said in a small voice.

"Who?" Luka inquired, fully knowing who she meant. It was a subject that they rarely discussed, because it caused pain for both parties.

"Your family. Your wife, your kids. Do you miss them still?"

Luka took his head off of her chest and looked Abby in the eyes. He stroked the side of her face and she leaned into his touch, closing her eyes. "I won't pretend I don't still think about them and miss them," he began. "I will always love them, all of them. They were my family, and nothing can ever change how I feel about them. But I've moved on with my life, with you. Don't ever doubt that. Ever."

Abby looked into his eyes, trusting his words and his caresses. "Okay."

"Why did you wonder?"

"…With the baby coming, I just thought that it, you know, made you think of Marko and Jasna and what you had with your wife, and how this just isn't the same," Abby told him, in a rare, revealing moment of vulnerability. Luka was moved by her fragile state, it was something he almost never saw her in, but when it did he knew that he had to take the opportunity to assuage her fears and doubts about herself.

"It is different," he admitted. "But different doesn't mean better or worse, it just means that this is a different time and place for me. And just because I love Marko and Jasna does not mean that I will love this baby any less. Or that I love you less than I loved Danijela somehow. You and this baby are my life now, my family."

"What about Alex?"

"What about Alex?" he asked her, a little confused.

"You haven't seen him in a while, and I know that you still care about him, and he looks up to you like a father. Don't you want to see him?"

"Of course I do. Alex has been a part of my life for a long time now, and I'm not going to abandon him, it's just…I wasn't sure how you would feel about it."

"If you want to see him, then you should. He's just a confused little kid, and you shouldn't give up on your relationship with him because of me, no matter how I feel."

"But how do you feel about it?"

"I want you to see him, if that's what you want. It doesn't bother me, and I don't want him to be hurt anymore than he has been."

"Okay," he told her. "Maybe I'll give him a call this weekend, see if he wants to go to a movie or something." He paused for a moment. "What brought all of this on, anyway?"

Abby moved her lips together, contemplating his words. "I just worry sometimes, that's all."

"You don't have to worry about anything now. I'll do it for you."

Abby smiled at this and placed her hand over his, where it was still resting on her stomach. "We're having a baby," she said softly against his ear. He smiled at her.

"Our baby," he murmured, still smiling as they both fell asleep as the snow fell heavily outside on the streets of Chicago.

A few mornings later, Abby woke up early in the morning, a rare occurrence for her. Usually Luka was up before her and had to drag her out of bed, but her bladder had a different idea for her this morning. When she left the bathroom, she decided to make breakfast for Luka. He had been up late the night before when multiple trauma victims had come into the ER, and had stayed four hours past his shift.

As she made her way down the stairs and to the kitchen she noticed something different sitting on top of the coffee table, two picture frames, next to the two snowglobes that they had given each other. Wondering what the pictures were of, she picked them up to examine them and found that the first was of the baby's first sonogram, and she smiled. Luka had not been able to put the picture down for days after the first OB appointment and she had to stop him from bringing it to work and showing it to everyone, as they were waiting for another month or so before telling their coworkers.

She put the baby's picture back down on the coffee table, and looked at the second picture. It was of them, taken several years ago at an ER Christmas party. She realized that until then she had never had a picture of them together, didn't think that one existed, and the picture jarred her memory to the night it was taken. It had been during the year of their first relationship, the night before Luka left for Croatia for the holidays to visit his father. Everyone from the ER was there, Carter, Haleh, Chuny, Randi, Lydia, Dr. Benton, Mark Greene and Elizabeth Corday, Malucci, Cleo, Dr. Weaver. It had been one of the better staff parties that she had attended, and everyone seemed to be in high spirits, even Mark and Elizabeth, who were getting ready to go to New York in a few days to get a second opinion on Mark's brain tumor. The memory was dampened by the thought of Mark, and his long battle with the brain tumor, but she smiled fondly at all the times that Mark and Elizabeth had been there for her while she was a med student, and she missed them both. She reminded herself to write a letter to Elizabeth, who was now living in England with Ella.

The night of that Christmas party was when Abby had realized that she was slowly falling in love with Luka, and it made her cherish the picture even more. After the party they had stayed up talking and making love, and then Abby had driven him to the airport. She had missed him over the holiday, and had occupied her time by working in an attempt to fight off loneliness. That hadn't been the first time she had worked on Christmas, but now she was hoping that it would be the last. She finally had someone she could be happy with around the holidays, she had never had that before.

Setting the picture from the Christmas party back down on the coffee table, Abby made her way to the kitchen and was humming as she cooked. Her appetite had grown, especially in the last few weeks, along with her bladder's constant insistence to be emptied, but she didn't really mind; it was just another sign that this was for real, that she was having a baby.

Abby glanced at the calendar as she set the table and poured a cup of coffee for Luka, again mourning that her favorite drink was now something she couldn't have. It was February 11. "Hmm…five days to Valentine's Day," she thought to herself. Would Luka remember? Of course he would, she admonished herself. What should she get him? She never knew what to get for a man on Valentine's Day, all of the traditional things like candy and flowers seemed like a silly thing to give to a guy. Abby thought about it for a few more minutes and then it came to her, but a problem instantly arose. How would she get them? She knew that there were only two people who could help her with the problem, and she only had a phone number for one of them. She decided to call him that night.

Abby had the day off, and spent it cleaning up the apartment and figuring out what she was going to say when she called Luka's father. Finally, she decided to just call and let it come to her. She took a deep breath and dialed the number, briefly wanting to hang the phone up or hoping that Laurentis wouldn't answer.

"Hello?" Laurentis said in Croatian when he finally answered. Abby hesitated. "Hello?" he repeated.

"Hi, Mr. Kovac. This is Abby Lockhart."

"Oh, Abby, hi. Is everything all right with Luka," he asked, immediately concerned.

"No, no, Luka's just fine. He's at work right now."

"Oh, good. You had me worried for a moment."

"No, sorry about that."

"How are you and the baby doing?"

"We're just fine, thank you for asking."

"So, what can I do for you Abby?"

"Well, I was hoping that you would be able to help me with something…"

"Mmm…thank God for coffee," Neela said, taking a sip of her drink the next day in the lounge.

"Don't rub it in," Abby told her, laying back on the couch.

"Sorry," Neela said with a smile. "So how's everything going with that?"

"Good," Abby said. "You haven't told anyone about the baby, have you?"

"Who would I tell?" Abby just looked at her pointedly. "Okay, I told Michael," Neela admitted.

"Neela! You promised me you weren't going to tell anyone!"

"You said 'no one in the ER can know.' And Michael isn't technically part of the ER anymore. Plus, he's my husband and it's not like he's going to call up Ray or somebody and tell them about it."

"Okay, fine, sorry," Abby apologized.

"You seem cranky."

"I'm pregnant, what do you expect?"

"I guess."

"So when are you and Michael going to start a family?"

"Oh, who knows. It's bad enough that both of our families are barely on speaking terms with us."

"Still?"

"Well, Michael's family is a little more accepting than mine, especially since they've met me. But my family…well, let's put if this way, whenever I've spoken to my mother since the wedding, all she can do is cry."

"Ouch."

Neela shrugged her shoulders. "They'll get over it…eventually. At least I hope they will. You never know with my family."

"I'm sure they just need some more time to adjust to the news. Why don't you and Gallant go and visit them?"

"I'd like to, but I already spent all of my vacation time on my honeymoon and Michael's schedule is even more hectic than mine."

"It'll work out, don't worry," Abby told her.

"Thanks," Neela said with a smile, fiddling with her stethoscope. "So how is everything going with you?"

"Good," Abby said, with a big smile, laughing a little.

"What's so funny?" Neela asked, confused.

"Nothing…it's just that I can't remember the last time when someone asked me how I was and I said "good" and it was actually true."

"Wow, things must be going _really_ well. A genuinely happy Abby Lockhart."

"It's a first, I know. But I think that she's here to stay." Abby glanced up at the clock. "Crap, I'm going to be late."

"For what?"

"OB appointment. It's the first time we're hearing the baby's heartbeat," Abby said, smiling again.

"Good luck," Neela told her as Abby left the lounge. She promptly ran into Luka.

"Hey, I was just coming to get you," Luka said.

"You ready?"

"Definitely."

"Okay, Abby, Luka, you ready?" Dr. McLucas asked once Abby was in a gown and on the table.

"Ready," Luka said, grinning and gripping Abby's head. McLucas switched a monitor on, and placed a device on Abby's stomach and suddenly the sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the room. Luka felt tears well in his eyes. He listened to people's heartbeats countless times everyday, but hearing his own child's heartbeat for the first time was something else altogether.

"Good steady heartbeat at 145," McLucas said. Abby smiled and gripped Luka's hand tighter. This was suddenly so real for her; scary, exciting, reassuring. Everything looked good, those words reassured her to no end.

"That's a great sound, isn't it?" McLucas asked.

"The best sound in the world," Luka said, still smiling.

McLucas removed the monitor from Abby's belly. "Okay, you can sit up now, Abby."

"So everything looks good?" she asked again, anxiously.

"Yes, the baby looks great, everything is going fine with that… However, your blood tests today indicated a slightly elevated blood glucose level, so I'm a little worried that you could develop gestational diabetes."

"Oh God," Abby said, placing her hand on her stomach.

"Don't panic just yet, Abby. The level was simply elevated, so here's what we're going to do. I want you to check your glucose level once a day at home and call me in a week with the results. If the high level continues we'll discuss treatment options. Just make sure you're eating a well-rounded diet, exercising and getting plenty of rest, which are all things you should be doing anyway. Don't worry, gestational diabetes only occurs in about four percent of pregnancies, and it's generally something we see a little later in pregnancies. But since you are over thirty-five I want to be safe. Okay?"

"Okay," Abby nodded.

"So I will see you two next month for the next sonogram."

McLucas left the room and Abby immediately fell into Luka's arms. "Hey, hey, hey, it's going to be all right," he said, comforting her. "Gestational diabetes is very treatable, and it's too early to even know if you have it yet. So let's not worry before we have to. Okay?" he said, lifting her head up to look into her eyes.

Abby swallowed her pain and worry. "Okay."

Abby sighed, taking her bloody gloves off and dropping them on the trauma room floor. The girl they had been working on had been stabbed repeatedly in the chest and stomach after a quarrel with her boyfriend and they hadn't been able to save her. "Happy Valentine's Day," she thought to herself.

Abby walked into the bathroom and walked into one of the stalls, but stopped when she closed the door. There was a muffled sobbing coming from the stall next to her. Curious, Abby knocked on the stall door. "You okay in there?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"I'm fine," the person said and Abby realized it was Lydia.

"What's wrong, you want to talk?"

Lydia opened the door, and Abby knelt beside her. "Hey, I know it was a tough trauma, but there isn't anything we could have done to save her. She was already gone when the paramedics brought her in."

"I know, I know, it's not that…it's just…don't you think that woman looked like her?"

"Like who?" Abby asked, confused.

"Like Lucy," Lydia whispered.

"Oh God," Abby said, and it hit her. The woman had looked like Lucy, was probably the same age as her. "Six years…"

"Six years," Lydia repeated. "Every year on Valentine's Day I'm like this, and Al always tries to plan some elaborate romantic evening, but I still think about her. It's like everyone's forgotten about her, no one ever says anything."

"I know," Abby said. "It's always seemed kind of weird to me, especially the first year… I don't think anyone's forgotten Lucy, she'll always be a part of this place. It's just hard for people, it was scary, and they're just moving on with their lives."

"Yeah… You know, the first year after it happened, I went up on the roof to think and found Carter there. He had a bottle of champagne and we made a toast to Lucy…but now with Carter gone too…"

"I know… Hey, after work, why don't we have everyone get together in the lounge or something and we can make a toast to her together."

Lydia gave a little smile. "Yeah, I'd like that. I'll talk to the other nurses about it."

"Okay," Abby said, and they walked out of the stall.

Abby was finishing making her notes on a chart at the admit desk when Luka walked up. He looked exhausted. "Hey," she said. "Long day?"

"Very, I didn't think it would ever end. How much longer are you on?"

"Another two hours."

"Okay, I'm going to head home, take a nap before tonight."

"What do you have planned anyway?"

"Oh, you'll see," Luka said. "Want me to pick you up?"

"Sure," Abby said. "Oh! Do you think you could do me a favor?"

"Sure, anything."

"Could you pick up a couple bottles of champagne and bring them in?"

Luka raised his eyebrows. "Non-alcoholic of course. A bunch of us were going to have a toast to Lucy after work," Abby explained.

"Yeah, no problem… God, how long has it been now?"

"Six years."

"Wow, hard to believe."

"I know. I'll see you later then?"

"Yup." Luka winked at her and smiled as he walked out the ambulance bay doors.

After Abby's shift was over, she walked into lounge and already found people gathered for Lucy's toast. Lydia, Haleh, Chuny, Yosh, Wendy, Conni, Dr. Weaver, Dr. Anspaugh, and even some of the staff who hadn't been there that night like Neela and Pratt. Luka walked over to her and smiled. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Abby told him.

Kerry got up and stood in the middle of the room. "As we all know, today is the sixth anniversary of Lucy Knight's death. Her death was sudden, terrible and violent and something that no one who was there that night will ever forget. It's hard for all of us to bear when a young life is cut short, but when it's one of our own, it's just that much worse. Lucy was one of the brightest med students that I've ever encountered here at County, but more than that she was a hard worker and truly cared about each and every one of her patients. She always went the extra mile and she would have been a great doctor. Her death was a loss to us all and… I know that I miss her…" Kerry was silent for a moment. "To Lucy," she said, raising her glass.

"To Lucy," everyone said and raised their glasses likewise.

"That was nice," Luka said as they walked up the stairs to their apartment. "Who arranged all of that?"

"Me and Lydia… There was a stabbing victim that we lost this morning and she looked a lot like Lucy. I found Lydia crying in the bathroom afterwards and we thought that it would be a good way to remember her."

"It was," Luka said and paused on the stairs to kiss her. Luka got out his keys to open the door and stopped. "Okay, wait out here for two minutes before you come in."

"What? Why?"

"Just wait," Luka said smiling and entered the apartment without her. She heard pots and pans rattling inside the apartment and wondered what he was up to exactly. She smiled, enjoying that he was so excited about this. On Valentine's Day the year that they were together, they both worked the night shift and just kind of forgot, except for some roses that he gave her the next day.

"Okay, you can come in now," Luka said, opening the door. Abby held back a gasp as she entered the apartment. The lights in the apartment were completely out, and the rooms were all lit with candles. Dinner was on the table, along with about two dozen red roses, and two small boxes beside them.

"Oh, Luka," Abby said. "It's perfect." She kissed him, and when they broke away, she said, "It must have taken you all afternoon to get all of this ready."

"Well, I've been planning for a while," he told her modestly.

"This looks great, I'm starving," Abby said, sitting down at the table in the chair that Luka pulled out for her. "Wow, non-alcoholic wine and everything," she said, examining a bottle, and pouring some for her and Luka.

"Well, I had some help," Luka told her.

Abby raised her eyebrows, "From who?"

"Martha Stewart," he said sheepishly, and Abby laughed. He looked at her laughing face illuminated by the flickering candles. "You're beautiful," he told her.

"It's the candlelight," she told him, always a little uncomfortable when it came to compliments.

"No," was all that Luka said. Abby looked down at her food, smiling.

After they finished dinner, Abby went into their bedroom and removed a large box from her dresser drawer. When she went back to the kitchen she found Luka sitting on the couch with two boxes next to him. She leaned down and kissed him, then sat down on the couch.

"Do you want to open your present first or should I?" Abby asked him.

"You go first," Luka told her.

"Okay," said, taking the first box that he handed her. She took the paper off carefully and then opened the box. When she saw what was inside she couldn't help but laugh. "A glass frog!" she exclaimed.

Luka laughed. "Yeah, well, I could tell you were a little disappointed when I didn't get you one for Christmas."

"Thank you," Abby said, kissing him. "It's perfect."

"Now, here's your real gift," Luka told her, handing her the second, smaller box.

Abby opened it, finding a velvet box. She opened it and found a silver necklace, with a beautiful, intricately engraved silver locket attached. She took it out of the box and studied it, then turned it over and read the inscription, which said, "Volim te, Abby."

Abby looked back up at Luka. "I love it," she said in a quavering voice. "And I love you too."

"I love you," he said, kissing her. He took the necklace from her hand and latched it around her neck. Abby looked down at the locket and opened it, but it was empty. "I figured that once the baby is born you can put his or her picture inside of it."

"Thank you," she said, kissing him again. "Your turn now," she said, handing him the box.

He shook it, putting it to his ear, and Abby just laughed. He opened the box and pulled back the tissue paper and began to cry. Inside were three pictures. One of Danijela, one of Jasna and one of Marko.

"I know that you have just the one little picture of Danijela and Jasna," Abby explained.

Luka looked up at her. "How…how did you get these?"

"I got some help from your father."

"My father?"

"Yeah, I had him contact the newspaper that had your wedding announcement in it and also the hospital where Jasna and Marko were born, figuring that they would have pictures on file. So I got copies, had them blown up and refinished into glossy copies and had them framed."

"Abby…I…I…" Luka said, lost for words.

She embraced him. "You don't have to say anything. I know," she whispered, holding him tight.

"I love you," he told her. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too," she said, wiping his tears away.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: If Not Now… Chapter 7

Author: Adrienne

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.

Note: Sorry this part took so long to write. The semester just started for me and I've been running around like crazy. Hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner. Parts of this chapter are told from Abby's POV. Those parts are in italics.

_It's the beginning of March now, and spring is just around the corner but you wouldn't be able to tell that from the looks of the streets of Chicago. They're as snowy and slushy as ever, but that's just as well for me, because I feel hot every second of the day. The ER is like a constant sauna and I wish that I could get away with wearing shorts and a tank top to work but I don't think that Kerry Weaver would appreciate that very much._

_I'm a little over four months pregnant now and there is a distinct little bump on my formerly flat stomach. My clothes are starting to get tighter and tighter with each passing day and if I had any idea that my weight gain would excite Luka this much I would've packed on a few pounds a long time ago. Every time he looks at me, he's smiling; glowing in fact, when I thought that I was the one who should be glowing with pregnancy. Earlier in my life I would have pulled away and run from so much attention but now I bask in his constant pampering; it's definitely something that I could get used to._

_The morning sickness has passed now, but the insomnia is still there, but I've put the extra time to good use, planning and making lists of what we need for when the baby comes. Sometimes though, I just lie in bed next to Luka, looking at his peaceful face and feeling so grateful that I have what I have. I feel like I've changed so much in the past few years. Ten years ago if you asked me where I would be at this point in my life I would have told you that I would be single and working, no children, no commitments, no real responsibilities, but now I couldn't imagine my life any other way than what it is right at this moment._

Beep! Beep! Beep! Luka moaned and without looking reached out and smacked the alarm clock. Seven am was too early to be getting up. Instinctively, he rolled over and reached for Abby but her side of the bed was empty and nearly unrumpled. Dragging himself out of bed, he made his way downstairs where he found Abby dusting. The kitchen looked immaculate, the floor had been mopped, the dishes were washed and put away and everything was in its place. Luka didn't think that he had ever seen his apartment so clean.

"What are you doing?" Luka asked.

Abby jumped at the sound of his voice. "Jesus, Luka, you scared me!"

"Sorry," he said, and walked over to her, taking the rag and spray bottle out of her hands. "What are you doing?"

"Cleaning," she said, making a funny face, like "What do you _think_ I'm doing?"

"At seven am?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"You should at least lay in bed and rest. You need your rest."

"I know, I know, it's just that I knew it was a mess down here and I figured that as long as I couldn't sleep I might as well do something productive."

Luka sighed and smiled, embracing her. "Are you nesting?"

"Nesting?" she asked, looking up at him with a smile. "When did you learn that English term?"

"Haha," he told her. "Danijela did the same--" he stopped himself at that.

Abby put her hands on both sides of his face. "It's okay to talk about your wife and kids, you know."

Luka just nodded. "Hey! Don't feel guilty or shy or whatever it is," she told him. "I like hearing about your family and how much you loved them, and I know that they are always going to be a part of your life, of our life. I want to know everything, so don't be scared that I'm going to be threatened or jealous or anything like that… Okay?"

"Okay," he said, leaning down and touching his forehead to hers. "I love you, you know that?"

"I love you too," she whispered, kissing him. "So what were you saying about Danijela?"

Luka smiled at the memory. "She did this whole nesting thing, both times she was pregnant. She…she would be vacuuming in the middle of the night, painting the baby's room, folding and refolding all of the little baby clothes, reading all of the parenting books." Luka laughed. "It would drive me nuts, if she couldn't sleep, I wouldn't be able to sleep because I'd hear her doing all of this stuff… She really loved being pregnant."

Abby smiled and kissed him again. "…You know, I don't want to force you to talk about things that you don't want to talk about… I just don't want you to be scared to tell me these things if you do want to tell them to me."

"I know… I'm just afraid of making you…I don't know, uncomfortable about all of it."

"Don't ever worry about that. It doesn't. I want to know about all of the things that are important to you."

"Ditto."

Abby laughed. "More American slang. What, have you been reading a book about it or something?"

"Maybe," Luka said coyly.

Abby laughed again, taking the dusting rag back from him and whipping him in the butt with it.

"Oh, you'll pay for that later."

"Oh, will I now?"

"Yup."

Smiling, Abby did it again and ran into the kitchen. Luka followed her and backed her into the corner of the counter and kissed her passionately. "What kind of payment are you looking for?" she asked him devilishly as he kissed her again.

_Work is more exhausting now than ever before, and not just because I'm tired from the pregnancy. Luka and I are both so excited about this baby but we haven't told anyone yet except for Neela and Kerry, and keeping this secret is more tiring than I thought it could be. I catch myself about to tell Chuny or Haleh about the baby all the time, and then remember that we said we would wait for another few weeks, just in case something happened._

_I checked my blood sugar at work the other day and Ray walked into the lounge just as I was doing it; I had a hard time explaining what I was doing to him. As much as I want to tell people, I'm a little afraid, especially of what Sam will say. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or angry; we've never really been close, even as coworkers and I don't want to do anything to make the situation ugly for either of us. After all, it's been less than six months since she and Luka split up; if I were her I would be hurt. I know I was hurt when Carter came back from Africa with a pregnant girlfriend on his arm; you can't help but be hurt when someone who you thought cared about you so much finds a replacement for you so soon. _

_I know that I shouldn't worry about any of this, that it will all work itself out in the end. Things always seem to one way or another. After all, Maggie was able to finally pull her life together, a feat that I didn't think she would ever accomplish. She calls every week now to check up on me and the baby, and I've got to say that I look forward to and enjoy those calls. It finally feels like she's being my mother and I think that this closure has come at exactly the right moment for me. _

Abby tossed and turned in bed, trying to find a comfortable position. Eight am. She had been staring at the clock for the last five hours, listening to Luka snore and occasionally mumble things in Croatian. It was bad enough that she had just worked an exhausting fourteen hour shift, but then she had been able to get in only a few hours of sleep before her body decided to wake up and refuse to fall back to sleep.

The thought of the upcoming day terrified her. She and Luka were going to go shopping for some baby things, which she was excited about, but then Sam was bringing Alex over for a few hours to play some video games and eat some pizza and he was going to break the news about their relationship and the baby to his former girlfriend and her son. Abby had made plans with Neela while Luka was doing this to diffuse some of the tension in the situation. She felt butterflies in her stomach whenever she thought about it and tried to ease them away by telling herself that everything would turn out okay.

Finally, Abby turned over and faced Luka. "Luka," she whispered. He moaned softly. "Luka," she said a little louder. No reaction. She poked his arm repeatedly and then he finally opened his eyes briefly.

"Yeah?" he finally said, still half asleep.

"Wake up," she said in a sing-song voice.

"Too early. More sleep," he muttered groggily.

"What are you going to say to them tonight?" Abby asked him.

"What?" he asked, confused, finally opening his eyes again.

"What are you going to say to them tonight," she repeated.

"Alex and Sam?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know, whatever comes to me, I guess," Luka told her.

"You mean you haven't thought about what you're going to say?"

Luka sat up in bed and drew Abby closer to him. "Of course I have, but I really don't think it's going to be as big of a deal as you think it's going to be."

"I just don't want them to be angry with you or hate me or anything."

"They're not going to hate you."

"How do you know? You know how attached Alex is to you."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that he won't understand."

"I guess… But what about Sam? What if she starts hating me and turns all of the nurses at work against me?"

Luka tried not to laugh. "That's not going to happen. The nurses love you, and it's not like Sam has anything against you."

"Yet."

"Don't worry so much. It's going to be just fine. You're going to go out tonight and have a good time with Neela and when you get back everything will be settled."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Abby and Luka were walking through a shopping mall later that afternoon, just browsing in the windows and looking for a baby store. They walked passed a maternity clothing shop and Abby looked at the pregnant women inside of it, then looked down at her own stomach. She couldn't imagine getting that big.

"You want to go in there?" Luka asked. "You'll have to get some maternity clothes sooner or later, you know."

"Don't remind me."

"Especially for work, you know, like maternity scrubs."

"Maternity scrubs?" Abby said skeptically.

"You know, like Carol used to wear when she was pregnant with Kate and Tess."

"I'm not going to get _that_ big. I am just having one baby, you know."

"You never know," Luka said, smiling.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing! I'm just saying, that it is possible that we might have twins."

Abby gave him a look. "No, it's not. Twins don't run in my family."

Luka just shrugged. "What?" she asked him. "They don't run in yours, do they?"

"Uhhh, just a little."

"Just a little?" Abby asked him, stopping in her tracks. "What does 'just a little' mean?"

"Well, a few of my cousins are sets of twins, and my mother's father was a twin."

"We're not having twins," Abby said firmly.

Luka just laughed. "Don't worry. And anyway, having twins could be great."

"Great," Abby just repeated, and Luka laughed at her again. "Well, I only saw one baby on the sonogram," Abby said, reassuring herself.

"Sure, but one could be hiding behind the other and we wouldn't see it at this stage."

"Oh God, don't say that!"

Luka couldn't help himself and laughed again and Abby smacked his arm. Still laughing, he kissed her.

"I'm hungry," Abby said as they continued walking.

"Again? We just ate lunch."

"I'm pregnant, I can eat whenever I want."

"See, maybe you are having twins," Luka said with a smile.

"What do you think of this crib?" Luka asked Abby.

"That one's nice. But I think I liked the one we saw in the other store better. Oh! We should get one of those Pack n Play things."

"What's that?"

"You know, it's like a play pen, but it folds up really easily so you can put it in a corner or something when you're not using it."

"Oh," he said. "This is cute," he said, picking up a stuffed puppy dog.

"Yeah, it is, but I think that you've picked out enough toys for the baby to play with until he's five."

"He?" Luka asked, raising his eyebrows.

"He or she, either way," Abby said, noncommittally.

"Well, one more toy can't hurt," Luka said, adding it to the already full cart of baby things.

Abby laughed. "You're going to spoil this kid to death, aren't you?"

Luka just shrugged, then something caught his eye. "Hey, isn't that--"

"Abby?"

Abby looked in the direction of the voice and an expression of dismay crossed her face. "Richard."

Richard walked over with his obviously pregnant wife in tow. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," she said, without expression. "You remember Luka Kovac, right?"

"Right, we met at the hospital last time your mom went off the edge," Richard said, nodding at Luka. Luka saw Abby's body tense up at the mention of that incident, and put his hand on her back. "And you remember my wife, Karine?"

"Yeah, hi," Abby said. The woman just nodded at her silently.

"So what are you doing in a baby store?" Richard asked.

Abby cleared her throat. "Well, um…"

"We're having a baby," Luka said.

"Really?" Richard said, not bothering to hide his shock. "Well, congratulations Abby, I never thought that you'd be a mother, not after all the crap that you went through with your own."

Abby just glared at him. "Maggie's just fine now, actually, and has been for a couple years."

"Really? Well, I guess some people really do change," Richard said. "So are you two married? I don't see a ring."

"No, we're not," Luka told him.

"Not going to make an honest woman out of her, Kovac?" Richard inquired, mispronouncing his name.

"It's 'Kovac'," Luka corrected him, but Richard just ignored him.

"That's really none of your business anyway, Richard. And I think I learned my lesson the first time around with you," Abby told him, and walked away.

Luka followed her and Richard called out, "Always a pleasure, Abby."

Once they had paid for everything and got back to the car Abby finally broke her silence. "I hate him! I hate him!"

"Don't let him get to you Abby, you know that's just what he wants," Luka told her.

"Well, that's easy for you to say, you don't have an ex-spouse running around town who you just happen to encounter at the most awkward and inopportune times!"

Luka was silent, knowing it was pointless to argue with her on the subject of Richard. "God, he hasn't changed at all! Still an asshole!" Abby continued. "'Make an honest woman out of her'," she muttered.

"He had a point on that one," Luka said quietly.

"What?" Abby said in exasperation, looking at him.

Luka sighed. "We're having a baby together. We love each other. Don't you want to get married?"

Abby continued looking at him and then looked down at her lap. "Luka, we've talked about this… I just… I'm not ready."

"Not ready for a commitment?"

"We're having a baby together, isn't that a commitment?"

"Abby, what are you so afraid of?"

"What do you think I'm afraid of? Didn't you just witness firsthand the disaster that my first marriage was?"

"It wouldn't be like that with us. I'm not Richard, and you're not the same as you were when you married him. I'm not going to treat you like that and I'm not going to cheat on you or leave you or ignore you."

Abby sat in silence for a few minutes. "I'm just not ready yet, Luka. I need some more time. All of this has happened so fast, and I just want to make sure that it _will_ be right if we do get married… Okay?"

"Okay," Luka said.

"I do love you. And I want to be with you… But getting married again scares me, you know?"

"I know. And I love you too," he said, taking her hand. "I understand, just take the time that you need. I don't want to force you into something that you don't want because I want this to work too."

Abby gave a little smile. "Thank you," she whispered and squeezed his hand tighter.

"Augh, I'm fat!" Abby said, giving up on trying to button a pair of jeans and collapsed back onto the bed.

Luka laughed. "You're not fat, you're pregnant."

"Same thing," Abby moaned. "I'm never going to get these pants on," she said and threw them onto the floor.

"You could wear a pair of my pants," Luka said.

"Haha. Not only am I not that big, but I also haven't magically grown a foot in the last five minutes."

"Just trying to be helpful," Luka said, leaning down and kissing her.

The doorbell rang. "Shit, is that Alex and Sam already?" Abby asked, running to the closet and pulling out another pair of pants.

"Probably, I'll go check," Luka told her.

Abby heard voices talking happily as she finished dressing and she made her way downstairs with some apprehension. As she came into view, Alex said, "What is she doing here?"

"Alex!" Sam said, smacking his head softly. "Sorry, Abby," she said.

"Hey Sam…Alex," Abby greeted them.

"What?" Alex asked. "And what happened to your apartment, Luka? There's all this girly stuff here now." Alex and Sam both looked to Luka expectantly for an answer.

"Umm…that's what I wanted to talk to you guys about tonight," Luka said.

"Well, I've got to go or I'm going to be late picking up Neela," Abby said, in a hurry to get out of the room. "I'll see you guys later," she said and Luka brushed his hand across the small of her back as she walked passed him. Abby gave him a weak smile and left the apartment. As she was walking down the hall she heard Alex asking more questions and was happy to not have to be there for this particular discussion.

"So what is going on, Luka?" Sam asked. "Are you and Abby living together?"

"Yeah, we are," he said. "We have been for almost two months now."

"Wow," was all that Sam could say. She seemed surprised but not necessarily angry. "I didn't even know that the two of you were dating again."

"So that means that you and Abby are having sex, right?" Alex asked.

"Alex…" Sam said exasperatedly. "Don't talk like that."

"There's something else that I need to tell both of you and I wanted to tell you, Sam, before everyone at work found out…"

"Okay…" Sam said apprehensively, not knowing what to expect.

"Abby's pregnant. We're having a baby."

Alex and Sam just looked at Luka, neither knowing what to say. "Pregnant?" Sam managed to get out. Luka just nodded her head. "Well… Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Well, I've got to go, I'll be back for Alex in a couple of hours," Sam said and got up off the couch and started walking towards the door. Alex went over and turned the TV on and started playing a video game.

"Are you mad?" Luka called after her.

"No. Why would I be? It's not like it's any of my business anyway," she said and opened the door.

"Sam," Luka called after her and he closed the door behind them in the hallway so Alex wouldn't hear their conversation.

"What? What do you want? I told you 'Congratulations,' I'm happy for you, okay?"

"You seem mad."

"Why would I be mad, Luka? So you went and knocked up the first girl you could find like, what, two months after we broke up? From what I heard around the ER, it's not the first time you've done that."

"It's not like that, Sam," Luka said quietly, still smarting at the memory of Nicole.

"No? What's it like then?"

"I love her," Luka said simply. "I always have. It was never really completely over for either of us and it just…happened. We just found each other again, and it wasn't because I wanted to find someone who wanted to have a baby, we didn't plan this and I don't want to hurt you, I just don't want you to be angry with me, or with her."

Sam looked like she had been slapped in the face. "…Did you ever really love me? Or was that just all a lie?"

"It wasn't a lie. I did love you. And I love Alex, and I'll always care about both of you, no matter what you think about me and Abby."

"That's great, Luka," Sam said and walked away from him. Luka sighed, rubbed his hands over his face and walked back into the apartment.

"Hey," Abby said as Neela got into the car.

Neela gave her a small smile. "Hey."

"So where do you want to go?"

"I don't care. Let's just go to Ike's, I feel like getting really bloody drunk tonight."

"What's wrong?" Abby asked immediately.

"Nothing," Neela insisted. "Can't I just want to get drunk?"

"You never drink unless you're upset about something."

Neela was silent as they drove to the restaurant. "Michael wants to go back to Iraq."

"What? Why?"

Neela shook her head. "Something about how he can't live with himself if he stays here when he knows there are people over there who need his help."

"Wow. Is he actually going to go?"

"I don't know. He said he's been thinking about it for weeks, but he never said anything to me before a few days ago."

"I thought he was going to start as the new R2 at County."

"So did I."

_I know that Luka is pushing to get married, but I'm just not ready, at least not yet. I know he's not Richard and that he would never treat me like that but a part of me is still too scared to make that kind of commitment. Deciding to have this baby together was difficult enough for me, and I want to take things slowly, and make sure they are right before rushing into anything._

_I know that having this baby together makes it seem like we should get married. Maybe we will after the baby's born. But I've screwed too many things up in the past to put our relationship in jeopardy now and I hope that Luka realizes why I want to wait. We've only been back together for about six months now. It's too soon for me, and even though this time around things are different, I don't want to make any of the mistakes that we made last time._

_I love him, and I'm not afraid to say it or feel it. I love him more everyday and I know that I want to be with him, but the thought of marriage still scares me. It's something that I need to work out for myself, but not by myself. I learned that lesson too many times. I know that this is something that we need to work through together because running away from him and ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't work; I know, I've tried. _

Abby turned the key in the lock and opened the door. So much for a fun night of just the girls. Neela had been depressed and sullen the entire time, not that Abby could blame her. She walked into the apartment and heard the television on and saw Luka and Alex still seated in front of it playing video games, an empty pizza box and soda cans beside them.

"Hey," Abby said.

Luka and Alex turned around. "Hey," Luka said. "How was your night with Neela?"

"Depressing."

"How was yours? Did you guys have fun?"

"Yeah," Luka said, lacking enthusiasm. "We had a good time. Right, Alex?"

Alex kept staring at the television set and didn't answer him. "Alex?" Luka said again.

"Yeah, it was fine," Alex said sullenly.

"We should stop playing and pack up your stuff," Luka said. "Your mom will be here soon."

"Just another couple minutes," Alex said.

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it," Abby told them and walked to the door. Sam was waiting expectantly.

"Hey," Abby said.

"Hey. Is Alex ready?"

"Almost."

"Come on, Alex. Time to go," Sam told him. "Pack up your stuff." Alex got up, turned off the television and began putting his things into his backpack. "Thanks for hanging out with him tonight," Sam told Luka. Abby sensed that things between them were strained.

"No problem. Anytime," Luka said with a small smile.

"Look… I'm sorry about what I said before. I didn't mean it. This all just caught me by surprise," Sam told him quietly.

"It's okay," Luka replied. "I understand."

"So we're okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay."

"Good."

"Ready," Alex said.

"Okay, come on, let's go," Sam told him. "Goodnight, Abby. And congratulations," Sam said with a smile. She and Alex walked out the door, and Alex looked back at them angrily before the door closed.

"So, how did it go?" Abby asked.

Luka sighed and sat down on the couch. "Could've been better. Sam and I got into an argument at first, but we're okay now and Alex… Well, he barely talked to me the entire night."

"I'm sorry," Abby said, sitting beside him.

Luka shook his head. "I'm sure it'll be okay. He just needs some time to adjust… So why was your night depressing?"

"Well, Michael told Neela that he wants to go back to Iraq so she spent the night drinking and getting more and more incomprehensible. She literally stumbled up the stairs to her apartment when I dropped her off."

Luka winced in sympathy. "Is Gallant going to go?"

"I don't know. He just kind of sprung this on her."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah."

Abby settled back in Luka's arms, and he tightened his embrace around her, putting his hand on her stomach. "…You know what scares me?"

"What?"

"…Michael and Neela seemed so in love just a few months ago and now it looks like they might break up. I thought that they'd be together forever, even if they rushed into things, and just seeing how two people who love each other so much can break up in an instant…"

"That's not going to happen to us," Luka told her, turning her face towards his. "It's not. And maybe it feels like we rushed into this but we've known each other for a long time, we have a lot of history. You know me better than anyone has since Danijela and I would never do anything to break us up."

Abby looked intently into his eyes, knowing he was right. "…I'm just scared that something could come up and everything we have could fall apart."

"I won't let it."

"What if you go back to Africa?"

"What?"

"Don't you want to? I know that you always meant to go back at some point. Do you still want to?"

"…Yes, a part of me does because I know how much the people over there need help, but I would never go if you didn't want me to, especially not now. I would never do that to you," Luka said, remembering when Carter had come to Africa against Abby's wishes.

"I'm sorry," Abby told him.

"For what?"

"For doubting you, for doubting us… I'm just scared sometimes."

"Don't be. I'm not going anywhere," he said, pulling her tighter and kissing her.

Abby was standing at the admit desk finishing some paperwork when she heard Clemente's voice. "Yo! Lockhart! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Excuse me?"

"You sent an unstable patient up to CT unattended."

"What are you talking about? No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did. You're just lucky I was up there with a patient of my own cause yours coded."

"What patient?"

"Miller, MVC, he had a borderline pressure."

"Well, _I_ didn't send him up unattended, I sent an intern with him."

"You know these interns don't know shit. He didn't have any idea what to do when the patient crashed. You know, I expect these dumbass mistakes out of Morris, but not out of you, got it? Don't you ever do this again!"

Abby looked at him for a few seconds and tears began welling up in her eyes and she ran off to the lounge.

"What the hell is her problem?" Clemente asked.

"What the hell is your problem?" Sam asked him. "That was completely inappropriate, bitching her out in front of the whole ER."

"What's going on?" Luka asked, walking up to the desk.

"Clemente just screamed at Abby in front of everyone," Sam told him.

"I didn't scream at her, and then she just ran off into the lounge crying like a little girl," Clemente said, defending himself.

Luka took a few steps toward him. "Don't you _ever_ do that again. Got it?"

"Look, just because she's your girlfriend does not mean that I can't reprimand her for a stupid mistake."

"No, it is inappropriate for you to do that to anyone in this ER."

"Yeah, whatever."

"No, I mean it. Now, go apologize to her."

"Are you kidding?" Luka just looked at Clemente sternly and he walked off to the lounge, followed closely by Luka.

"Jeez, what's Abby's problem anyway?" Morris asked. "Clemente does that to me like ten times a day and I don't run off crying."

"Shut up, Morris," Sam said.

"No, Abby has been kind of moody lately," Ray said.

"Yeah, what's up with that?" Morris said. "Plus, it looks like she's been packing on a few pounds around her--"

"Shut up, Morris," Neela told him.

"What is she, pregnant?" Ray joked.

Neela and Sam looked at each other. "She totally is, isn't she?" Ray said.

Neela and Sam both laughed nervously. "No, she's not," Neela told him. "That's just ridiculous."

"She is!" Ray exclaimed.

"Who is what?" Chuny asked as she, Malik and Haleh walked up to the desk.

"Abby's pregnant!" Morris told them.

"Seriously?" Haleh asked.

"I didn't think she and Kovac were that serious," Malik said.

"It's none of your business anyway," Sam told them.

"Ha! So it is true, they told you, huh?" Morris said.

"No one told me anything. Just leave them alone," Sam told everyone.

Luka and Clemente found Abby in the lounge on the couch, wiping her face with a tissue.

"Hey, Abby," Clemente said quietly. Abby looked up at him. "So, yeah, anyway, sorry about before. I didn't mean it. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just snapped."

"Yeah, whatever," Abby told him.

"Look, uh, if you want to take the rest of the day off, that's cool," Clemente said.

"I'm fine," Abby assured him sullenly.

"Okay," Clemente said and left the room.

"You okay?" Luka asked, sitting down next to her.

"Yeah… I don't know what's wrong with me. Must be pregnancy mood swings. Usually I would've just screamed back at Clemente, not run off crying."

"It's okay," Luka told her. "Want to go home?"

"No, I'm fine. I just want to get back out there."

"Okay," Luka said, leaning in and kissing her.

Neela opened the door and cleared her throat, averting her eyes when she saw them kissing. "Uh, sorry to interrupt, but I think everyone just found out."

"Found out what?" Luka asked.

"That Abby's pregnant," Neela said sheepishly.

"You told them!" Abby asked.

"No, they just kind of figured it out on their own."

"Who's they?" Abby asked.

"Morris, Ray, Chuny, Haleh, Malik and I'm sure by now Pratt, Jerry and Frank know."

"Great," Abby said sarcastically.

"Should we just go out there and tell them?" Luka asked.

"I guess," Abby said grudgingly. "We were going to have to tell them all sooner or later anyway."

"Ready?"

"_Now_?"

"No time like the present."

"I'll go gather everyone up," Neela said.

"What are we going to say?" Abby asked Luka.

"I don't know. 'Abby and I are together and we're going to have a baby'?"

"How about you do all the talking?"

"Okay," Luka said, laughing, as he got to his feet. He offered his hands to Abby to help her up.

"You know in a few months I'll actually need your help standing up," Abby told him.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure I'm there every time you need to stand up."

They both looked hesitantly at the lounge door. "Okay, let's just get this over with," Abby said.

They walked out into the ER and up to the admit desk where everyone was pretending to be busy doing something. "Everyone," Luka said, and the staff looked up innocently.

"Abby and I have an announcement to make. As I'm sure you've all noticed in the past few months, Abby and I are back together," Luka said.

"They were together before?" Morris whispered to Frank, and Frank just rolled his eyes.

"And," Luka continued, "We're going to have a baby."

Immediately everyone started screaming and congratulating them, hugging Abby and asking a million questions.

"You know, if you're lucky, the little bugger will turn out looking like me," Morris said when he congratulated them.

"Four nipples and all?" Abby asked, holding back laughter.

"How did you--I mean--who told you--?" Morris stuttered.

"Morris, you should've learned by now that freaky secrets don't stay secrets for long around here."

"Pratt!" he yelled, going off in search for Greg. Abby just looked at Luka and laughed, both of them happy that they could finally share their news with their coworkers and friends.

_Finally being able to tell everyone about the baby was such a relief. I feel like this enormous weight has been lifted off of me. Even Sam came up and gave me a hug and congratulated me again. I know it must be hard for her, so I really appreciate the gesture. _

_Everything is really coming together now, with the baby news out in the open, and being able to share our happiness with everyone. I still worry about things everyday, like the possibility of gestational diabetes, and some unforeseen event coming up and breaking me and Luka apart once again, but I push these thoughts out of my head as much as I possibly can. I know I shouldn't worry; it's just an old habit._

_But now I lay in the darkness of our bedroom and feel Luka's sleeping body next to me, his chest pressed against my back and the gentle rhythm of his breathing and I just feel grateful for everything that I have right here in this room._


End file.
